I noticed the first time when we were driving in your car and you didn’t reach for my hand. You used to grab it without hesitation, claiming it as your own whether I liked it or not, knowing full well I would never deny it.
The day you didn’t take my hand was the day I knew you were changing your mind about me. About us. I waited for you to ask for my hand, not wanting to ask for yours because it made the truth seem too real.
You stopped getting lost in my eyes, you no longer smiled at me the same way, you stopped being content with just my presence, I practically had to steal your kisses and convince you to hug me. Three days before you left me you started sleeping on top of the covers in bed because ‘you were hot’, and the phone you so freely shared with me was no longer allowed out if your hands.
In a way, a part of me blames myself for recognizing all of this and more, but allowing you to continue to breaking my heart. I should have confronted you that day in the car. Maybe I could have spared myself the memory of you packing your things, leaving me crying in the driveway without so much as a goodbye. Maybe I could have avoided the scars on my wrists and the stay in the hospital. Maybe I could have spared myself the pain of never getting to say goodbye, not getting a last hug, or having to remember our last kiss as the small peck I begged for before you left for work that morning.
Maybe I could have spared myself all of it by not falling foryou in the first place. Maybe. But I’ll never know. I’ll never get that goodbye. I’ll never hug or kiss you again. I’ll never hear your voice or feel your hand in mine.
You’re okay with all of that.
Why can’t I be?
I just want to be okay.-A text I’ll never send, an email you’ll never read, a book I’ll never write, words you’ll never hear, things you’ll never feel - 8-16
The problem with suicidal thoughts is that they’re not just there when your sad. You’ll be there, chillin, reading a book or talking to a friend and you’ll think ‘This is nice. But do you know what would be better? Death.’
@lumos-vs-nox This is referred to as “mild suicidal ideation“ or the desire for suicide without substantial action behind it. It often happens when someone deals with prolonged mental health issues and suicidality at a young age. When you’re young, we go through a period where our neural pathways completely rearrange- the things that happen to us at that time will influence these changes. In a way, suicidal ideation becomes an ingrained coping mechanism. A sort of “well at least suicide is always there for me”. Your brain is part-muscle, it remembers things, it learns, it’s super great at adapting, this is just a reflex. It doesn’t mean you are weak, it doesn’t mean you aren’t in recovery.
thank you for posting this, you turned a feeling many people have into words!
this is what healthy people don’t get
this is so important SO IMPORTANT
and i didn’t know this until right now and it like changed my whole outlook on my illness and recovery
I was doing so good, but my silver paint brush was begging for me to paint with red…
This way people can see they’re not alone. I have them and this would help me see that.
